


I failed

by donttouchtheneednoggle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, I'm Sorry, Implied Past Relationships, M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Missing Scene, Self-Hatred, This Is Sad, Torture, You Have Been Warned, can't forget that, fuUCK this is sad, gwaine bby i'm so sorry, his death was already horrible and i just made it worse, morgana being her usual charming self, she also thinks gwaine doesn't love percy, so really what does morgana know, unrequited merwaine, well morgana thinks it's unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28075887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donttouchtheneednoggle/pseuds/donttouchtheneednoggle
Summary: Gwaine learns the secret that would destroy him
Relationships: Elyan & Gwaine (Merlin), Elyan & Lancelot (Merlin), Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine/Percival (Merlin)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. Promises

Gwaine screams, and immediately the pain recedes, the twisting, wrenching searing scorching agony that tears through every howling inch of him and end it oh gods please just end it now end-

Gone, just like that.

He collapses against the ropes, twitching and shaking uncontrollably, heaving sobs of relief, shards of shattered thought piercing his brain.

Gone.

Why?

He raises his eyes and Morgana stands before him, face warped into a triumphant snarl.

He’d screamed something...

“Avalon,” she repeats thoughtfully. “Interesting.”

“No,” he whispers, terrified. He hadn’t. Surely he hadn’t.

_Do whatever you can to protect him._

He’d promised. He’d _promised._

Morgana’s eyes flick down to him at the sound and she regards him with disdain.

“You’re dying,” she says. “Do you know that?”

And he does, can feel a vortex opening up beneath him, can feel himself sliding slowly, inexorably towards it.

A callous smirk crosses her face. “You know, the Nathair didn’t kill dear departed Elyan.”

Fury burns through him, mingling with the pain and horror. _She dared-_

“Perhaps you’re just weak,” she muses.

A humourless smile twitches his face. It’s not like the witch is wrong. Elyan was always far stronger than him.

“Go on then,” he spits, meaning it. “Finish it.”

“Oh I don’t think so,” she says softly, gazing pityingly down at him. “No, why rush? My dear brother is yet to reach Avalon, and because of you he never will.”

Morgana bares her teeth in a feral grin. “You know Gwaine,” she sighs, caressing his face. “You really did pick the wrong sorcerer to side with.”

He doesn’t even have the energy to jerk away but confusion flashes though his ailing mind. What-

It must show on his face because her eyes suddenly widen and she steps back, her expression one of dawning delight.

“ _Oh,_ ” she whispers, the syllable thrumming with pure glee. A sadistic smile stretches across her lips.

“Of _course..._ ” she purrs. “The _great_ Emrys would never entrust his little pet with his secrets.”

She looks down at him, brow creased with false pity, “But you don’t know that name do you? No, you only know the useless serving boy, and even then you would have died for him, wouldn’t you?”

He frowns, incomprehensible terror crawling through him.

“Such a pity he would never grant you the same favour. Dearest _Mer-lin_ ,” she drawls out, revelling in it.

Gwaine stares up at her in rapidly emerging horror. _No._

_No no no no nononono-_

Memories flash through his mind: plates flying through the air, Wyverns fleeing, branches snapping.

_No._

Eyes like fathomless pits, hollow and desperate. Teeth bared in a grin that looked painful.

 _Can’t tell you that Gwaine_.

_Can’t..._

His heart wrenches and in his anguish he sobs out, horrified and broken: “ _Merlin!_ ”

“Yes!” She cackles joyously. “All this time he’s been lying, trying to protect his pathetic _love_ , and now he’ll fail just the same as you have.”

And suddenly the exaltation is gone, replaced by bitter, bitter anger. “You helped Arthur hunt our kind, and the little rat hid in plain sight. No wonder he never trusted you.”

Gwaine’s mind is reeling. He dimly remembers spitting out _sorcery_ like it disgusted him. Heretic. Murderer.

_Merlin._

_Merlin my love I didn’t mean it, I didn’t know..._

Morgana watches him with grim satisfaction. “Now I will kill him and his beloved both, and it will be all be thanks to you.”

“He won’t let you,” he croaks, glaring all the fire he has left, longing to burn her eyes out.

She looks faintly amused. “Hmm, we shall see.”

She crouches down in front of him. “You know I still have your _lover_ , right?”

The disparaging way she says the word makes him sick to his stomach.

“Does he know he’s just a stand in? Tell you what-“ she leans in conspiratorially, and it’s only terror for Percival that stops him from spitting in her face. “I’ll spare his life, leave him to find what’s left of you. How's that? After all-“ she leans in even further and hisses in his ear- “He should know the truth don’t you think? He should see what an unworthy wreck you really are.”

She stands, kicks him in the ribs disgustedly, and is gone.

Gwaine slumps defeated against the ropes, sinking into blessed darkness.

...........

“Gwaine.”

He wakes to big, gentle hands cradling his head. Slowly he opens his eyes and gazes dully into Percival’s contorted face.

Percival.

Oh, Percival _._

His heart beats in strange, weak rhythms and the relief he feels at seeing him unscathed is eclipsed by a sudden panic.

He’d been ok with dying, welcomed it, anything to stop the myriad agonies his life now consisted of. But now, confronted with the most rational reason he ever had to stay, he rebelled against it.

He’d promised. After Elyan he’d promised, he’d _promised_ him he wouldn’t leave him.

_Promised._

Across his mind flashes a brief image of Merlin, grim faced and hopeless, struggling to drag a deteriorating Arthur along with him.

Yeah. Since when has he ever been able to keep his promises?

“She’s riding for Avalon,” he mumbles.

 _“Gwaine,”_ Percival murmurs, anguished, pushing his hair back from his face, and he feels his heart split open all over again.

 _I love you_ , he wants to say, because it’s true, because however torn, however much of a traitorous wreck Gwaine is he loves him, but the words fade on his lips.

He is already leaving him here all alone, already betraying him too, what’s the point in hurting him further?

His vision begins to blur, that beloved face distorting, and everything sounds like it’s coming from very far away, “I failed,” he croaks out.

Merlin’s tortured eyes swim before him.

Percival is saying something, desperately, but he can no longer hear.

_I failed..._


	2. Watch

“ _No no no what are you doing stop stop don’t do this don’t please-_ “ Elyan’s voice is a low sobbing moan that somehow holds a scream within it.

Lancelot doesn’t know at what point he grabbed his hand, but he clings to it, eyes panic stricken as they watch the image of the two knights riding through the forest, rippling on the lake surface.

Lancelot feels sick with dread as they watch their friends attack Morgana’s men, set a trap for her. It’s a good plan, it would work on anyone else, just not her and _why don’t they know this?_

Elyan’s nails dig into his skin but he doesn’t care as he squeezes back just as tightly. It’s like watching a barrel being swept towards the edge of a waterfall, that awful inevitability.

(Lancelot’s barrel is yet to go over the edge. He crouches by his dying king, whispering words of comfort, eyes shining with tears. He knows he’s going to fall soon.)

By the time Gwaine comes to Elyan’s lost his voice but he’s stuck mouthing the same word over and over as he rocks back and forth, hunched in on himself, eyes wide and horrified.

_No no no no no no no no no no_

Trauma, Lancelot supposes. Gods know he’s had enough of it.

......................

Things had been tense when Elyan had first climbed out of the lake, but misunderstandings had soon been cleared up and they had settled to watching.

They see no one else apart from the beautiful young woman with the ragged dress and sodden hair who sometimes passes by. She looks more and more worried every time they see her.

Lancelot knows this is a place of peace for most, but neither he nor Elyan kid themselves. They are not here for peace, but to watch. They are pieces on a chess board sacrificed too early, or maybe they were never meant to be sacrificed.

Either way they now sit by the lake, forced to bear witness to that which they could have prevented.

......................

Watch Gwen wait and hope and weep. Watch Merlin and Arthur make their last, doomed journey.

Watch Gwaine writhe and scream. Watch him learn the secret that changes everything for them all. Watch him fade out in Percival’s arms.

And wait.

The image of Percival resting his forehead against his, sobbing, is distorted by ripples. Gwaine’s head breaks the surface and he drags himself onto the shore.

For a moment he just lies there, staring at them with awful, empty eyes.

He doesn’t spare Lancelot another glance, just crawls forward and lays his head in Elyan’s lap, wrapping his arms round his waist.

Elyan strokes his hair, tears sliding down his face, and Gwaine just cries.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated <3
> 
> Come hang out on [tumblr](https://donttouchtheneednoggle.tumblr.com/)!


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